Greetings long distance internet travelers,
As you are all aware, laser tag challenge 2.0 is happening this evening at the Discovery Zone in downtown klanbioandiobna, XZ (look, we cannot give away the city we're from, because otherwise you'll find out we're from What Cheer, IA). I know I know, you are all very excited about this, but don't worry, I am too. That's why I've dedicated this blog post to discussing the necessary strategies to succeeding at laser tag.
First, watch this video to get a quick intro briefing on laser tag:
Great! Now that you know what's going on, it's time to discuss our battle plan to defeat the most talented, strategical, vicious, and laziest people on the planet...children.
Strategy #1: Cheating is okay!
You know how everyone tells you not to cheat in laser tag? Don't listen to those people. Cheating is most definitely allowed.
"But wait Helicity, why would you say something so immoral?"
Don't worry, it's not immoral. Remember, you'll be playing against a plethora of children and young adults that will do ANYTHING IT TAKES to win this game. They'll run between your legs, follow you in the arena, and even continue to shoot you after you have been deactivated. How classless is that? WE CANNOT LET THEM WIN! If you need to cover your shield for a minute, do so. If the kid players follow you, you follow them back. If they are annoying you, pick them up and hold them hostage...they'll have nowhere to hide (see video reference below for this)
Strategy #2: Make the children come to you by "Camping Out"
When playing against kids, one should remember that effort is inversely proportional to winning. How does one accomplish success on the battlefield with minimal effort? Have your whole team hang out in one room, enjoy a nice conversation and throwback with your teammates, and LET THE CHILDREN COME TO YOU! This by definition is called "camping out," and is also known as "cherry picking." If you do this, not only will you and your teammates easily take out your laser tag nemeses, but you also don't have to walk around and exhaust yourself in pursuit of one individual at a time.
As a guide, I marked regions where "camping out" will lead to high success rates:
The green stars indicate excellent regions to chillax and wait for those pesky kids to come find you, so you can deactivate them all day long. Notice that the white star marks a suggested spot as well. I mean, if you think about it, if they can't get inside the level, how will they win?
Strategy #3: Taunting
There's an old saying that goes, "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
Well, since you don't have sticks and stones to break your opponent's bones, then words are your only option. Most kids at this point in their life enjoy laser tag, because it's a free opportunity for them to apply taunting and name calling without their parents yelling at them (especially since no one will hear you when there's loud laser gun shots and music drowning out the noise). Don't give them the satisfaction of taunting. TAUNT BACK! For example, say that you are on the yellow team, and a kid tells you that your team stinks because yellow is the color of pee (actual quote used here, no joke!). In this case, some suggestions for comebacks are
1) "Well, if we are like pee, then at least we're sterile!"
2) Can't wait to play you all evening...oh wait that's right! You have a curfew!
3) "Oh yeah? Your color is the color of (whatever offends them or angers them)"
4) "You're adopted, your parents don't love you!"
Well, there are many other ways to taunt as well, so be creative! Hit 'em where it hurts!
Well, that's all I can think of for now. Whatever happens out there on the laser tag battlefield, make sure you are having lots of fun....and making sure your team defeats the kids.
Peace,
Helicity